The Swedish and the French
by Vescove De Gama
Summary: The Evil Swedish are trying to take over the world and the French are the only ones who can stop them!


The Swedish and the French  
By: Justin Echols  
  
Sammy Paddlemire walked into the office building that Thursday, as he always does on Thursday mornings. He walked passed the metal detectors and the security guards and preceded to the elevator, as he always does. He rode the elevator up to the third floor of the building and walked to his office, as he always does. He opened his office door and sat down in his chair and noticed a file lying on his desk, which is not as he always does.  
  
He sat in his large leather chair and studied the documents in front of him. After a brief examination he pressed a button on his desk that called for the secretary. She walked in and asked her when he received these new documents.  
"They arrived this morning, sir. Along with the stocks for today." said she.  
She walked out and once again the man studied the folder. Then his phone rang. He answered it.  
"Hello, who is this?" He asked  
"Hey, it's me. You know, me." The man on the phone spoke.  
"I don't know who me is but if you sent these documents to my office I want to see you here..in my office."  
"That I did give you the secret file. I shall see you there in an hour." He said as he hung up.  
So there the man waited in his office for an hour and surely enough Me showed up.  
"Well I see you have indeed received the secret file! Then I trust you know what to do now." Me said.  
"NO! I don't know what I am to do. Who are you anyway? And why did you send me these useless documents?"  
"My name is too secret to be revealed but you may refer to me as Me. As for the documents they are far from useless! They were sent to you for a reason." Me explained.  
"Me is it? Well I have no need for such documents. I wish for you to take them and leave these grounds now!"  
"I would love to do so but this secret file was meant for you Mr.Paddlemire. Yes that is your name, is it not? Sammy Paddlemire?"  
"Yes, how did you know? Oh that's right it says it on my door! Now get out and take your so called secret folder with you!" Sammy yelled as he tossed the folder at Me.  
"You fool! Don't you see! These files are Swedish! They contain great evil! One cannot simple toss them aside, for once they lay eyes upon its evil they shall never be released until it is destroyed!!" Me yelled.  
"You're mad! What do you mean these files are evil? And are they actually Swedish?" Sammy responded in great question.  
"Sit back, Sammy. I shall explain in tale the fate of this secret file! It all started 3000 years ago, when the great Swedish Army ruled the world. Their leader was named Blonde and under his great leader ship the Swedish Empire had risen from poor civilization to a wealthy empire. All other races were wiped out by the enormous force. The Swedish Army had taken over all of Ancient Europe except for one area, France. Yes my dear boy Sammy, the French were the only who survived the onslaught of the Swedish. The French saw there upcoming doom and quickly gather up a large army.  
"They had thousands, upon thousands of men, ready to die for the cause, to defeat the Swedish threat and restore peace to Europe. With the help of the Swiss, the French marched into battle and on the very green hills of France, they fought! The battle, which was very bloody and devastating, lasted for three days. Yes my dear boy Sammy, they fought for three days! Swords and shields clattered as blood and guts flew to and throe. One journal of a Swiss monk recalls them playing football with they head of a Swede on the second day.  
"In the end the French and Swiss prevailed. They over came the Swedish threat and drive them back to Hell, which to this day they call Sweden."  
"Lovely story, but what does that have to do with this document?" asked Sammy, who was all but inspired by the story.  
"Ah, yes I was just getting to that. As you can tell the documents are written in Swedish. That secret file you wield in your hand is the Ancient Page, written by the Swedish leader, Blonde. This secret file, if read correctly, can reawaken his spirit and bring back the Swedish Fish God! And this, my feeble minded friend, is bad. It will give the Swedish unnatural strength and unimaginable power. They will rule the world once again, and under the control and mercy of the almighty Swedish Fish!" Me explained.  
Sammy sat in shock as he comprehended this information. Me threw back the file and began to explain further.  
"You must destroy this Ancient Page. It is the only way to vanquish the Swede's from the world completely! And you must be the one to do it!"  
  
"Why me? Can't it be someone else?" Sammy yelled.  
"No! It cannot be anyone else! It must be you! For you are the Frenchman who slayed Blonde! In the Final Battle the Swedes were winning the battle for the first two days. It was not until that you, Sammy Paddlemire, fought sword to sword with Blonde on Blood Hill and beheaded him that the tide of the Final Battle changed. For the Swedish Army had lost there power source. The Swedish Fish God was possessing Blonde and was using his body to contribute a part into the Swedish Rule. With Blonde's body dead the Swedish Fish could no longer provide the Swedish with his never ending power. With the fall of Blonde the entire Swedish force collapsed and they fled to their home land.  
"But since you came back in this new body so has Blonde. And he needs this Ancient Page to resurrect the Swedish Fish and restore his rule! Luckily for you, your ancient self keep the Ancient Page after the fall of Blonde and hid it will with my ancient self, who we shall refer to as Me. Once I heard that Blonde has reawakened I knew it was time to return the Ancient Page to its rightful keeper."  
Sammy looked around and noticed that HE was the rightful keeper.  
"What must I do?" asked Sammy who was still flabbergasted by the entire thing.  
"You must, as I have already stated before, destroy the Ancient Page. That way we will no longer be in fear of Blonde retrieving it." Me answered.  
"Very well." Sammy said as he withdrew a lighter from his desk drawer. "We shall end this madness now!"  
  
"No! We cannot destroy it in these means. There is only one way to destroy it! If we destroy it any other way it will release the Swedish Fish God power into our world and not even the Swedish Fish God wants that! His essence is in this Ancient Page and if it is destroyed so imprudently then his energy will be destroyed. That power is so great that it being destroyed would collapse the very universe itself!!" Me explained as he snatched the page out of his hand.  
"Then by what means are we to destroy this evil burden?" Sammy asked.  
  
"It is simply really and I'm glad you asked. The chosen one, who is you, if you have not already guessed, must place a single Swedish Fish candy onto the Ancient Page." Me said in a very bashful manner.  
"That's it? Seems a bit easy if you ask me!" Sammy said with a quite laugh.  
"You must also touch the Swedish Fish on the Ancient Page while standing upon Blood Hill in France. There is where the Ancient Page left Blonde and that is where it will be destroyed.  
"Well nevertheless, it shall be an easy task! For I have some Swedish Fish here in my pocket. Now take me to this Blood Hill and I shall vanquish this Page from the Earth!" Sammy yelled with a sense of adventure tingly inside him.  
"That's the spirit! Now shall we carry on then!" Me walked out of the office followed by Sammy and his pocket full of Swedish Fish and the other pocket stuffed with the Ancient Page.  
The two walked down into the lobby and out onto the street. They were waiting for a taxi to come by when suddenly Me asked him if they were Red Swedish fish or if they were multi-colored Swedish fish. Sammy had multi-colored Swedish fish and Red were needed if you wanted to destroy the Page successfully.  
Luckily for them there was a sweet shop on the edge of town. When they got there the store was closed. So Me improvised and knocked down the door with his foot. Sammy and Me looked around the store for the Swedish fish. But as they were searching they discovered that a large Siberian Tiger was keeping watch on the store. They easily took out the tiger with some mace, but the shop keeper and his son is a whole different story...they had to strangle them to death with there own shoes.  
Well anyway they got the Swedish fish. As they were walking down the sidewalk a man walked right in front of them and stopped.  
"Move out of our way!" said Sammy.  
"Don't yell at your traveling companion! Sammy, my dear boy, this is your Swiss partner Joe. He is loyal and very good at smelling things." Me said as Joe shaked hands with the two.  
"So you're the chosen one?" asked Joe.  
"Righty o on that one ol'chap!" Sammy said.  
The threesome continued to walk until they saw the field where the Final Battle took place. It was large green field. Far as the eye could see there were green, green fields. There was a large hill that stood out though which was pointed out by Me as being Blood Hill. They walked up to the hill and Sammy laid down the Ancient Page.  
Joe looked toward the north and his eyes spotted several Swedish people charging toward the hill.  
"Hurry you little bugger! Get the Swedish Fish and destroy the Ancient Page!" Me yelled.  
Sammy put his hand in his pocket and withdrew the Swedish Fish. He dropped them and they landed onto the Page. They absorbed into the paper as if the Swedish fish were water and the Page were a sponge. The sky turned dark and Me started to laugh hysterically.  
"You foolish Frenchman! Now you have revived the Swedish Fish God!!!! Come my Swedish friends! Rise to power once again!" Me yelled as lightning struck the ground.  
Then a large red flaming fish appeared in the clouds. It flew down ever so slowly and smashed into Me.  
"I don't understand Me! How could you have done this!?" Sammy yelled who was beginning to cry.  
"Of course you don't! I am Blonde! I disguised myself as Me and tricked you into reviving the Swedish Fish God! Now I am one again with him! Now Swedish people! We shall rule the world as we once did!" the newly discovered Blonde said.  
Joe looked around who was all just as confused as Sammy. He had been fooled too and was rather scared. He ran over to Sammy for protection against the oncoming Swedish with stronger powers.  
"I need something to cheer me up right about now." Joe said as if he knew he was going to die.  
"I got a joke to cheer you up. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?" Sammy asked.  
"What?" said Joe with a great deal of interest.  
"My ass!!" Sammy said as he fell to the ground laughing.  
This was not no normal laugh though.it was the French laugh.  
Suddenly all the Swedish close to Sammy and Joe exploded.  
"Now that was a little odd!" Sammy said as he looked around.  
He could not help but laugh at his own comment and his French laugh echoed through the fields.  
"NNNOOOO!!!! STOP THE LAUGH!!!!" Blonde yelled as the Swedish Fish God dissolved.  
The Swedish Fish God floated off into the clouds and exploded knocking down any Swedish people that had yet to explode. Blonde had to stop this! He ran up to Sammy and grabbed the collar of this shirt and lifted him off the ground.  
"You ruined everything!!! Now you shall die!!" Blonde yelled.  
Then out of the blue a large tower smashed down onto Blonde. Sammy fell backwards and saw the site. He looked around and Frenchmen were all around him. They had seen the Swedish Fish God and fired thier Eiffel Tower missile at Blonde. It landed point first on him and had finished the job.  
"Well that was odd. Well it's been fun while it lasted Sammy, but I need to go now. Call me some time if you're ever in Switzerland." Joe said as he walked on his way home.  
"I'll be sure to it." Sammy said in farewell.  
He walked up to the Frenchmen who were eating lunch and said "Hi"  
"BONJOUR!!!" they said in response.  
Not knowing any French at all he continued to walk about the field and observe the view. He noticed that the black cloud, which had appeared when the Swedish Fish God came, had not yet gone. Then a red lightning bolt struck the ground! The French sitting on Blood Hill blew up and the others ran. A flaming Swedish Fish came down on the hill.  
"You cannot defeat me! I am the almighty Swedish Fish God! Rise my fallen warriors!" it yelled in a demented voice.  
All the dead Swedes arose and ran after the fleeing French. Sammy stood there and wondered what could defeat this EVIL being. Then he finally came up with a plan.  
"Hey French guys!!! Laugh with your best French laugh!!!" Sammy yelled.  
The Frenchmen did not know much English and the responded with a questionable Bonjour.  
"Laugh your stinky pits off!!!!" Sammy yelled again.  
"Bonjour?" They replied.  
Sammy decided to give them a demonstration. He took a deep breath and then in his deepest, loudest voice, he French-laughed.  
"La HU HU HU HU HU HU!!!!!!!"  
They Swedes chasing the French suddenly exploded. Being how smart the French are they soon caught the idea and started French-laughing. And the Swedes eventually were gone and the only threat that now remained was the Swedish Fish God.  
"YOUR FRENCH LAUGH WILL NOT WORK ON ME!!!" He boasted as he grew to great size.  
He was now as huge as a Blimp or something big like that. He turned around and began to head for France with nothing to stop him. The French were now scared that their home country would be destroyed. Sammy was also concerned, for he loved French wine which is very good.  
"That's it!" Sammy yelled.  
All the French looked at him and said "Bonjour?"  
"Everyone loves French wine! And even the Swedes can not resist a glass of "La Fragrance Montle" or some "Orange du Spirtie!" We can get the Swedish Fish God drunk and then we can think of something else with the time we have."  
"Bonjour bonjour bon jour bon bon jour bonjour!" They said as they patted him on the back at the great idea.  
They ran off to Paris and got their best aged wine. The Swedish Fish God was already at a small French town blowing random things and people up. Sammy ran out in front of him carry a bottle of the finest wine the French could find.  
"What do you want puny mortal?" He said.  
"Well I was thinking since its been so long since you have been out and your resurrection is a big thing and all I think we should drink to it." Sammy said as he held out the bottle of wine.  
"So true! Give me that wine now!" the God demanded.  
He grabbed the bottle of wine and quickly guzzled it down. He hic- uped and threw the bottle aside.  
"Thank you for the wine! Now I must destroy Paris!"  
"Wait! It has been long you have been away! Let us drink again! This time to your world domination!" Sammy said and withdrew another bottle of a stronger wine.  
"Your right again Human! Give me that wine!" And like last time he quickly drank the wine.  
The Swedish Fish God was still not drunk. So Sammy offered another bottle and then another and this went on for three hours. Each time Sammy had to make a reason for him to drink the wine. He often used the same ones over and over again. Sometimes he made reasons that had nothing to due with anything that had to due with the Swedish Fish God at all. But by that time the Swedish Fish God was too drunk to even notice or care for that matter.  
"Lets drink to those Communist in Antarctica!" Sammy yelled.  
"Right you little hey!! I wish I had a space station." The Swedish Fish God mumbled and then drank another bottle of wine.  
Then with one blank stare at Sammy the Swedish Fish God passed out and fell to the ground. The French were all too afraid to go near him but he just laid there in the street motionless, with the exception of his snoring.  
"Ok now all we have to do is to think of what to do with IT." Sammy concluded.  
The French and Sammy thought for several hours of what to do with the Swedish Fish God. It became late in the night when finally Sammy thought of a great idea..or as the French would say "Bonne idée!"  
His plan was rather simple. When the Swedish Fish God woke up he would naturally be a little drunk and not fully aware of what was going on. So the French picked up the Swedish Fish God and set him on the outskirts of Sweden. The painted out the word Sweden where is said "Welcome to Sweden!" and wrote France so it now read "Welcome to France!"  
Then they went to every Swedish house and painted a French mustache on all the sleeping Swedes. Remember its night. Then the French got truckloads of cheese and dumped it in the center of every Swedish city. And then, to get things really stinky and French, they took all the deodorant and soap in the entire country.  
In the morning the Swedish Fish God finally awoke. He had a slight hang over and was still a little wobble on the knees, even though he had no knees. He looked up and saw the sign reading "Welcome to France!"  
"Ah ha! Now they will all perish under my wrath. Oh my aching head!" He got up and floated through the air to the first city he saw. The Swedes were walking around mindlessly in the streets, as the usually do, when the saw the Swedish Fish God approaching. They began to applaud and cheer and they yelled "Praise the Swedish Fish God for returning!" He floated above them and said with a EVIL voice, "I have never seen a group of Frenchmen so eager to die!" The people were confused at this and then one man said "But we are not French! We are Swedish like you, Almighty Swedish Fish God! "Fools!!! You cannot trick me!!! Look you have the mustache of the French and look at all that cheese! And the smell!!! It is enough to make me gag! This is truly France!" Then with this said he blew up the city and went on to another and another and then guess what he did? He went to another! Finally all but one Swede survived and was being chased by the Swedish Fish God who was close on his heals. "Please have mercy!" the Swede yelled. "No mercy shall be shown for the French!" He laughed and blew up the last Swede. The black cloud that always followed around the Swedish Fish God began to break and sun shown on his Swedish Fish back. "What!! Why is my cloud of Swedish EVIL breaking!?" He yelled in agony. Sammy appeared out of the rumble with the rest of the French who were with him. "WHAT!!!!! FRENCH STILL WALK THIS EARTH!?" "Yes and you, yourself, have vanquished the last of the Swedes, the one race of people where your power laid and thrived!" Sammy laughed.  
"You tricked me!!! I have been deceived! By the French!!!" The Swedish Fish God yelled as his cloud finally disappeared.  
He began to glow and then, in one captivating light show, he exploded. Swedish fish rained from the sky and the French ate them with much delight and the sky grew a bright blue for that day EVIL was removed from the Earth and the French and the Swiss and all other races would live in peace for the rest of days.  
  
The End  
  
Aftermath: Sammy became the next President of France and each year he donated ten million gallons of wine to Orphanages and the "Cure for Cancer" association.  
Joe went home to Switzerland and married a Swiss woman and they had many kids and they were happy.  
As for the French they grew great respect from other nations and ended world hunger by distributing there cheese to poor people.like Hungarians. The French would also later invent a thing that would do anything imaginable.  
As for the Swedes, they all died..  
Now Blonde, he died too. When everyone went away he got out from under the Eiffel Tower with only minor injuries. But as he walked away the tower tipped over and crushed him. 


End file.
